(I’ve seen this in a number of places. It’s a classic. I am sad to say I own a computer, but I still aspire to sing the blues… )
1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”
2. “I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line: ” I got a good woman- with the meanest face in town.”
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes…sort of: ” Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound.”
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch. You stuck in a ditch ain’t no way out.
5. Blues Cars: Chevy’s and Cadillac’s and broken down trucks. Blues don’t travel inVolvos, BMW’s, or SUV’s. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing ain’t the Blues. Breaking your leg cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
3. Empty bed
4. Bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
2. Gallery openings
3. Ivy league institutions
4. Golf courses
12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues: Yes, if:
1. You older than dirt
2. You blind
3. You shot a man in Memphis
4. You can’t be satisfied
Do you have the right to sing the Blues: No, if:
1. You have all your teeth
2. You were once blind but now you can see
3. You have a retirement plan or trust fund
4. You won the lottery
5. The man in Memphis lived
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also get the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable drinks are:
1. Cheap Wine
2. Whiskey or bourbon
3. Muddy water
4. Nasty Black coffee
16. The following are not Blues beverages:
1. Mixed drinks
2. Kosher wine
4. Sparking water
5. Diet Coke
17. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
18. Some Blues names for women:
2. Big Mama
4. Fat River Dumping
19. Some Blues names for men:
3. Little Willie
4. Big Willie
20. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
21. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
1. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
2. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
3. Last name of president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
22. I don’t care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.