Tag Archives: parenting

The way to tell your kids how to live is to show them

Posted on January 29, 2022 | 2 comments

There is no one way to teach your kids things. You try things and some things stick and some things don’t. Additionally you as a parent are not the only influence on your kids. Sometimes the things you try and teach your kids is undone by others.

It’s a hard job but it’s worthwhile. To make it slightly easier, I want to share this good advice from Austin Kleon. It’s gleaned from this piece he wrote, Love what you do in front of the kids in your life. Here it is:

You can’t tell kids anything. Kids want to be like adults. They want to do what the adults are doing. You have to let them see adults behaving like the whole, human beings you’d like them to be.

If we want to raise whole human beings, we have to become whole human beings ourselves.

This is the really, really hard work.

Easy, right? 🙂 Seriously, in retrospect I have found my kids have adopted things I have demonstrated love for in my life. Not everything. But more than I could have imagined.

Here’s the other thing. Even if they don’t, you have spent your time doing things you loved AND raising your kids. Some people sacrifice things they loved and went on to becoming bitter and resentful. You have to sacrifice some things when you raise kids: make sure it is not the things truly dear to you. Who knows: your kids may up loving them too. And loving you more as well as understanding you better. What could be a better outcome than that?

Advertisement

2 Comments

Posted in advice

Tagged , , ,

On the things parents tell their kids and the things kids remember

Posted on January 6, 2022 | Comments Off on On the things parents tell their kids and the things kids remember

Vihos Sweets

This is a picture of a street in downtown Glace Bay. Next to the Dominion is a small place called Vihos Sweets. It didn’t exist when I was growing up, but it did when my mom was a teen. She worked there for a time, and she occasionally talked about it.

Though she didn’t talk about it a lot, it stuck in my mind and I often thought about it. I don’t know why. Maybe I liked the sound of it. Maybe the way she described it made it seem special. Perhaps I was trying to imagine having my own job someday. I am not sure.

I wonder of the many things I’ve told my kids what they remember. You hope that the big lessons you try and impart to your kids are the things that stick. But often times it is the little things. Things like the name of a place you worked at for a short time when you were younger.

Try and be comfortable with the notion that  you have less control than you think.  You can only live and speak as best as you can, and hope that is enough to send them in the right direction. They may recall the important things you passed on. They may recall something you said in passing. They are their own person, and they will absorb and recall what they need.

(Image via http://capermemories.blogspot.com/)

 

Comments Off on On the things parents tell their kids and the things kids remember

Posted in ideas

Tagged , , , ,

Work is not good for working parents. The pandemic exposed that.

Posted on June 28, 2021 | Comments Off on Work is not good for working parents. The pandemic exposed that.


If you are parenting small kids (or in my case, single parenting a large teen), you know how hard it has been during the pandemic to be a good worker. You know it was very hard to be a good parent, and it was basically impossible to take over the job of support staff for your kid’s teacher. Yet even before the pandemic it was hard to do all those things.

If you agree, I highly recommend this article.

If you are young and planning to have a career and have children, you should especially read it. At many firms, you should expect your career to take a hit if you have to beg off to do parental thing. Plan according.

(Photo by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash )

Comments Off on Work is not good for working parents. The pandemic exposed that.

Posted in advice

Tagged , ,

To set goals, you need to look at your life. Here’s what I mean. (Or how to deal with Wanting to Have a Social Life, with Friends)

Posted on December 13, 2020 | Comments Off on To set goals, you need to look at your life. Here’s what I mean. (Or how to deal with Wanting to Have a Social Life, with Friends)

I’m not going to say that your goal setting is wrong. But it’s likely you are setting goals without looking at how you spend your time.  So let’s start there.

Write down what you are doing or think you are doing every day, week, month. Really think about this and take the time to document your life this way. Be as quantitative as possible. Then categorize those activities. After you do that, ask yourself: do you want to spend the same amount of time doing those activities in the future? If you don’t, do you want to spend more time or less time?

Let’s take someone named Alison. Alison thinks her goal is to be a better parent. However, when she looks at what she is doing, she finds she is spending most of her time working to become a partner in her firm. That’s her real goal: promotion.

Now Alison is multifaceted, as we all are. She doesn’t need to abandon one goal to work on another. She decides she does want to get promoted, but she does so in the context of also being a better parent. So she shifts some of her time and focus towards more parenting, then works to track that over time to see whether she really has internalized that as a goal.

The time and effort and focus you spend on something tells you what your goals are. Even if you don’t know those are your goals. I discovered this some time ago when I was tracking my todos in an app called Remember the Milk. I was the opposite of Alison. I thought I wanted to get promoted, but I spent most of my time focused on being a good parent and not enough on getting promoted. Eventually  I was content with that. I accepted that I would like to get promoted, but I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my parenting time to that. And I liked my work as it was. From time to time I would be disappointed to see others rise in the organization while I stayed the same, but quickly I thought that was ok. I was meeting my goals.

Likewise, I ran marathons for a long time, and I thought my goal was to run more. But over time I realized that what I got out of marathon running had slipped away. It just became a chore and my goals changed from being a marathon runner to being healthier. Maybe as my life changes I’ll go back to running marathons.

There is a famous poem by Kenneth Koch  called You Want a Social Life, With Friends that addresses this:

Koch is strict here but the thinking is the same. Setting goals helps you move forward in life only if the goals you set align with your values and interests and the time you spend on that. Trying to do everything is difficult when resources  are limited. So think about the time you have and set better goals.

For more on setting better goals, read this piece.

(Photo by Isaac Smith on Unsplash)

Comments Off on To set goals, you need to look at your life. Here’s what I mean. (Or how to deal with Wanting to Have a Social Life, with Friends)

Posted in advice

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Which Is Better, Rewards or Punishments? Neither

Posted on October 1, 2020 | Comments Off on Which Is Better, Rewards or Punishments? Neither

Good piece if you are struggling to change behavior in children: Which Is Better, Rewards or Punishments? Neither – The New York Times. But honestly, what is good for changing children’s behavior is good for changing any one’s behavior, including your own. 

I recommend you read the piece: it has good examples. But in a nutshell, you should:

  • Motivate Instead of Reward
  • Help Instead of Punish

There’s one other piece of advice in the article. I’ll leave it for you to find out what it is. You can do it! Just click the link above. You’ll be glad you did.

(Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash)

Comments Off on Which Is Better, Rewards or Punishments? Neither

Posted in advice, new!

Tagged , , ,

Quote

How to get more cooperation from your kids regarding chores and morning activities

For people struggling with their kids while they work from home, this piece from The New York Times in 2018 might help. I think a lot depends on the personality of the child, but for some of you, it just might be the thing you need. In a nutshell, they did this:

We devised a personalized morning checklist for each child — with their input. And we created a breakfast menu and a lunch menu, just like the ones they give you in hotels. We’re talking the works here. For breakfast the children can have cereal, muffins, eggs however they want, smoothies. You name it! And the lunch menu is equally expansive. Each night the kids complete their menus for the next day’s breakfast and lunch.

Comments Off on How to get more cooperation from your kids regarding chores and morning activities

Posted on March 24, 2020 in advice, new!

Tagged , , , , ,

Quote

Questions to ask your parents before they die are not just for parents

This is a good piece, and the list of questions here are certainly ones you’d like to have answers to: Questions to ask your parents before they die – Rossalyn Warren – Medium

I have a book called The Parents Book and it is has even more questions like this. I have not filled it out, but I really want to. Chances are my kids would want to have answers to some of these things. Family members would likely want that too. Regardless of whether or not you are a parent, or not, consider answering a list like this and put it with your Will and other essential documents. Your loved ones will be glad you did.

Comments Off on Questions to ask your parents before they die are not just for parents

Posted on November 8, 2019 in advice, new!

Tagged , , ,

Quote

When the homeless man is your son

I have read this often and think of it frequently, especially given my current status:  First Person: When the homeless man is your son – Orange County Register.

It’s a really good piece, and something you either don’t think about or don’t want to think about as a parent. Sometimes the world chews up the thing you love and try to care for, a tornado that comes through and destroys what you love, despite your best efforts. Tornados and other tragedies know nothing of your virtues and care nothing for the love you show.

2 Comments

Posted on November 6, 2019 in new!

Tagged , ,

Quote

How Parental Love Impacts Flourishing Later in Life

A very good piece for parents to read. How Parental Love Impacts Flourishing Later in Life | Psychology Today

Parenting is a long term play, though it might not seem some days. And some days the effort you put in doesn’t seem to make a difference. But it does. Read that for those days when you wonder if you are doing anything right as a parent.

Comments Off on How Parental Love Impacts Flourishing Later in Life

Posted on July 16, 2019 in advice, new!

Tagged , , ,

Quote

Great advice for parents of older teens/young adults


Can be found here:  How Should I Talk to My Son About His Career Dreams? – The Atlantic. 

Being a parent is never easy, no matter what age your kid is. There is lots of good advice for people with infants and young children but not much for when your kids are older. Glad to see pieces like this and to promote them.

Hang in there, parents!

(image via pexels.com)

Comments Off on Great advice for parents of older teens/young adults

Posted on May 5, 2019 in advice, new!

Tagged , , ,

Quote

This is good parenting advice: don’t kill your kids even though you want to sometimes….

If you are a parent and don’t need this advice: Parenting Advice: Don’t Kill Them – Ijeoma Oluo – Medium, then kudos to you. You are first among humans.

And if you aren’t a parent, your opinion hardly matters.

Comments Off on This is good parenting advice: don’t kill your kids even though you want to sometimes….

Posted on December 16, 2018 in advice

Tagged , ,

Quote

Bill Murray’s advice on being a father

From a 2012 Bill Murray Interview in Esquire comes this:

If you bite on everything they throw at you, they will grind you down. You have to ignore a certain amount of stuff. The thing I keep saying to them lately is: “I have to love you, and I have the right to ignore you.” When my kids ask what I want for my birthday or Christmas or whatever, I use the same answer my father did: “Peace and quiet.” That was never a satisfactory answer to me as a kid — I wanted an answer like “A pipe.” But now I see the wisdom of it: All I want is you at your best — you making this an easier home to live in, you thinking of others.

Sounds right.

Comments Off on Bill Murray’s advice on being a father

Posted on August 31, 2018 in advice

Tagged , , , , , ,

On parenting and the freeing and closing of your mind

Posted on October 24, 2017 | 2 comments

There are stages in parenthood when your children occupy all of your mental time, and when they do, you may find your mind is closed. If before parenthood you found yourself open to contemplate and examine ideas, after parenthood you may find that your ability to do that has shutdown. I found that for certain stages of the life of my child, all of my time was spent either focusing on their care or worrying about them. But then there were stages when they settled down and there was less to worry about and my mind freed up again.

If you are a parent and you find yourself wrapped up in the state of your child, you should believe that that will pass, and while you never stop thinking about them, you will find you think / worry about them less. This is a good thing.

2 Comments

Posted in ideas, kids

Tagged , , , ,